Why Your Top Choice To Rename Double E Sucks
Published: Monday, Feb 8th 2021, 11:02am
by Greg McCulloch (@GregOnSports)
With the speed of a glacier moving across Northern Alberta, the Double E football club renaming has come to a crescendo and the team has unveiled the 7 “top” choices for franchise’s renaming efforts. And even though they TWICE renewed the trademark on the “Edmonton Empire” name in 2020, they went in a completely different direction with Elk, Evergreens, Evergolds, Eclipse, Elkhounds, Eagles, and Elements.
Now let's see why they are all terrible.
“A stoic sentinel stands watch over the rugged wilds of northern Alberta: the mighty Elk. With antlers raised, dignified and proud, the bull Elk is forever ready to face all challengers. Quietly confident, just like Edmontonians. When called upon, they dig in their hooves and heave their bulk to assert their dominance within the herd and beyond. Always driving forward, always striving for greatness.”
Oooh yay! A fancy deer!
Honestly, this is probably the front runner and I assume the rest of the choices are to push everyone to rank this high on their list. I know everyone is salivating for the horns on the helmet, but that ain’t happening. They went Double E for a reason, and that was to preserve the logo for the bloody helmets. So the prime reason you are voting for it, you will never EVER EVER EVER see it.
So might as well just give up now.
Also over half the Elk population of Canada lives in BC and any Elk in Alberta would be closer to Calgary… so you know… solid choice.
“Majestic in stature and mighty in stance. The evergreen stands as a symbol of our city's rugged and enduring nature. Always green, always reaching for the sky. Even through the harshest of elements. And like its namesake, our football club's winning roots run deep in Edmonton. Ardent fans that stand as tall as a forest, strongest together, forever cheering ''Go Evergreens go!''
A F***ING TREE?!?
Well I guess that’s one way not to piss off activist groups. Well until coniferous trees gain sentience anyway.
Then again Edmonton is already taking all of the Ottawa Redblacks players, coaches, and executives… they might as well just fully jack the whole lumber theme while they are at it.
How hard could it be to throw a saw blade around the Double E?
“Ours is a legacy of victory unmatched by any CFL franchise of the modern era. 14 golden championship rings. Each a symbol of the grit, drive and determination it takes to be #1. We are the gold standard in Canadian football. Much like the loud and proud faithful fans who fill our stadium are the Green & Gold standard. They demand one outcome and only one team can deliver it: The Edmonton Evergolds. The pursuit of Grey has never looked more golden.”
<Insert Dry Heave here>
This one wins the award for most self-gratification.
This feels like the marketing team promised 7 E names and they were worried if they used Evermore they would get sued into next week by Taylor Swift so they panicked and invented a word and convoluted justification.
Nothing like reminding everyone on how good you used to be and how average you are now. Works great for all those former high school athletes working at the local Foot Locker.
“Edmontonians aren't afraid of the dark. We spend over two-thirds of our winter days immersed in night. It builds a special breed of fan. And a special brand of football club. A team of the fastest, most fearsome players to ever set a cleat on the gridiron, always ready to knock our opponents' lights out. When you enter our yard, don't be afraid of the dark. Fear the Edmonton Eclipse.”
Like an eclipse I wouldn’t want to stare directly at this team either. While they aren’t as bad as they were in the mid-2000s, if it wasn’t for the crossover they would have missed the playoffs more often than not this past decade.
Let’s just replace Eclipse with “East Final Runner Ups” as an E name
But then again according to Miriam-Webster the second definition of Eclipse is “a falling into obscurity or decline”, so maybe they got it right.
“Bold and spirited, the Elkhound is an ever loyal and fearless guardian. Bred for hunting, this four-legged dynamo's bark is as fierce as its bite, known to intimidate big game and worthy opponents. Like Edmontonians, Elkhounds excel in cold weather and tense situations, using their strength, speed and agility to power past all obstacles towards victory.”
An Elkhound is a glorified Huskie. Its actual name in Norwegian where the dogs were first bred, translates to “Moosehound”, so I really don’t know how it got changed to Elkhound but here we are.
Edmonton already has a Canadian Junior Football League team called the Edmonton Huskies, so it will be a solid PR move stepping on the little guy when it comes to branding.
Also according to the American Kennel Club the dogs are known to have a genetic predisposition to retinal atrophy and over eat. So fat and blind… you know that might work after all.
“Powerful. Fast. Nimble. Words often used to describe one of the most tenacious raptors in North America. And words that just as accurately reflect Edmonton's football club. These golden eagles are born to soar and their gold pays respect to our outstanding championship history. In Edmonton, our Eagles are golden, and you can see them in our blue skies and on the turf as our Edmonton Eagles.”
Notice in the description how they put “Golden” by Eagles twice. If the team didn't hamstring itself to keep the double E, Golden Eagles would have been the name.
I can already see the team begging this name doesn’t surge as it will be a trademarking and branding nightmare.
Edmonton Eagles already existed as a professional soccer team in the early 80s for one season. Plus, there is a Boxing club and a minor hockey zone team that controls websites and the social media presence of that name. There will have to be a lot of side deals with these clubs or the team will be tweeting from @EaglesCFLClub4Ever next year.
“In Edmonton, our football universe is composed of four elements. Earth. The 110 yards of turf we vow to protect and conquer. Wind. The will to win that hits our foes like a force of nature. Water. The sweat we shed to earn the extra yard. Fire. The burning passion that fuels our pursuit of the Grey Cup. That's what we're made of. The question is, do the other teams have what it takes to brave the Edmonton Elements?”
Looking at this choice they should have went with “Edibles” because I am certain that is what they were on when they came up with the name and description.
There is no way I can crap on this name choice any more than it does to itself. This naming process feels like a bad parody skit.
But notice how Edmonton didn’t mention the totally real and the most important fifth element of love or heart. Both Bruce Willis and Captain Planet will want a word.
Then again it’s pretty obvious that at times the team has no heart.